"There's an old Irish proverb, 'May the wind at your back never be your own'. But me? I was being blown all over the place. My life was completely off track. Then a little piece of luck blew in the door."
Seamus O'Neill introduces us to his life by way of these words when at 9:00p.m. on Tuesday, January 19th, 1993 a rather novel
new program made its premiere on the Fox Network.
A disenchanted factory worker in New Jersey dreams of living a completely different life from the type that his family has led for generations. Seamus is different. He is an avid fan of literature, and wants more than anything to put his typewriter to work in the same inspired environment as his heroes, Tennessee Williams, and especially Ernest Hemingway.
The piece of luck that makes his dream possible? He wins a million dollars in the lottery! Oh, if it could only happen to us all!!!
A three day drive delivers Seamus to the Zero Mile marker at the end of Highway 1, and for all intents and mostly for his purposes, at the end of the world.
Trivia note: The title of the series was originally intended to be "The End of the World", but the creators wisely recognized that a name like that could too easily be mistaken for a rather depressing notion, and Key West is anything but depressing! In episode # 9, "Crossroads", Seamus is working on piece which he has entitled, "Sex and Politics At The End of the World". While "Crossroads" may have aired as ninth, I tend to feel like it was
created as a transition piece for the series, a transition that never took place when the show went into hiatus.
Knowing full well that he had arrived in Paradise, and would never need his Pontiac again, he does what any creative and determined mind
would do – he drowns his car, and then shoots it to death.
Who should happen to witness this strange event, but JoJo Nabuli, a transplant from the Bahamas. "Well! I guess you're plannin' on stayin' with us a while, hey man? Oh man, now you're such a hard man! Now why you go kill that car that way, anyway? What'd that car do to you? That car steal your woman, man? You come home and find that car in bed with your woman? Maybe you find them clues, uh? Tire tracks. Oil drippin's on ya white sheets. But how do you know it wasn't that Studebaker down the street been stick-shiftin' your woman! Maybe you killed the wrong car, man! Look at him! Dead an' bleedin' in the ocean over there!
But now I'm lookin' hard in these flame-throwing eyes and I'm sayin' to myself, 'JoJo', -My name really Abednigo but everybody call me
JoJo, don't ask me why – 'JoJo. maybe this man done drove this car all the way down here to the end of the world, then killed his car so that he can never go home again!'"
Trivia note: When the pilot was filmed, JoJo's name was originally "Bingo". "JoJo" was dubbed in later, and if you watch carefully you can see it on their lips when he or someone else says his name.
JoJo got it right. After all, that car represents everything to Seamus that he is leaving behind: "I'm free from the tyranny
of clocks, the slavery of the second hand. I'm gonna sleep 'til four in the afternoon. Then I'm gonna stay up for three days straight, then I'm gonna get real fat, then I'm gonna get real skinny. I'm gonna eat caviar. I'm gonna howl naked at the moon in the cemetery."
But first things first, and that would mean a trip to the newspaper office. "Take me to the newspaper!"
"Name's Cole. People call me King Cole on account of I been king of this newspaper since before you were a gyration in your daddy's britches. So you want a job? Job doing what?"
Seamus - This the newspaper Hemingway worked at?
Cole - What if it is?
Seamus - I want to do what he did.
Cole - You want to report on the Spanish civil war?
Cole - Now boy, why you come down here to the end of the world?
Seamus - I want to work on a newspaper like Hemingway.
Cole - Boy look at me. Come on. Looks like you're a little nuts, boy! Is you nuts? Cause this island's just crawling with crazy people, and I don't need no more wackos in this office. Answer me: Is you nuts?
Seamus - No sir.
Cole - Alright, you go and see if you can root up a story.
Seamus - Me? My own story?
Cole - You put something on paper that don't put me to sleep, or make me glad I done lost my eyesight... Oh, you didn't know I was blind, did you? Didn't know I was blind? Well what is you? Inbred? Crossbred? No – don't answer! Just get out!
Seamus - Thank you!
Debate Moderator - And now I'd like to introduce you to our Mayor, Boone Penbrooke.
Seamus - What's all this?
JoJo - Politics!
Mayor Penbrooke - "I am for abortion rights. I am for gay rights. I am for human rights. I also want the right to put some criminals in jail and throw away the key! And I want the right to demand that all those on welfare get off of welfare as soon as humanly possible. I am my brother's and my sister's keeper, not their sugar daddy. If you can work and you do not work, I am for your right to starve to death!
But, if you are old or disabled, or a child born into a poverty not of your making and beyond your understanding, if you are new to these shores and are confused and unable to speak the language, if you are a woman whose husband has died, and you are breaking your back to feed your children, then it is our obligation, our right, our joy to take you in, to wrap you in our arms and shelter you against the storm, to hold you safe against our breast and to make you understand that on this, the darkest night of all our lives none of us is really safe.
The storm that has blown your houses down one day will rage for us. And the only structures that will stand are the bridges that we build from misfortune to compassion. From denial to consciousness. From one heart to another. We are, thank God, our brother's and our sister's keepers. And this is our safety. And our joy. And our salvation."
Seamus - "Man! Who writes his stuff???"
JoJo - "Angels and wizards!"
Debate Moderator - And the opposing candidate, Mrs. Chaucey Caldwell.
Chaucey - That was quite a sermon... preacher! Shame you don't go to church! Shame you don't believe in God! You, Mr. Mayor, are killing off the chance of 500 new jobs. Now you've got a hundred million dollar project wants to come right here, right now, and you're trying to kill it off to protect the comforts of a few fish!
Seamus - My first story!
JoJo - Now I go'n take ya to paradise, man!
Seamus - Take me to a hotel!
JoJo - Ah ya won't need no hotel!
Seamus - I'm tired! I've been up for three days!
JoJo - Well ya won't be tired no more! I go'n take ya to the very womb of paradise, man! Come on, now, I'm takin' ya to Gumbo's End o' the World Cafe!
Gumbo - Get your hand off of that butt right now, boy, before I hack it off and feed it to my alligator, Tickle Pink, yonder!
Gumbo - Crazy fool dreadlock hippy! Damn fool no good rastafarian beatnik! Get outta my bar 'fore I sic my alligator on you!!
JoJo - Tickle Pink? But she love me! Wait, wait! JoJo bring you brand new first rate customer! New newspaper reporter person and he may might rent that trailer from you maybe! You damn fool! What I done did now?
Gumbo - You know what you done did! Look here Mr. Newspaper reporter man: Your new buddy pal thought he gon' get me to change my made up mind 'bout cat 'round with my dancin' girls. He is all the time asking me can he take 'em out mm mm mm smootchin'. I tell him no about a hundred thousand times. So what that fool do? He go out yonder and tell the old snake woman! He paid that old conjure woman to put a spell on me to make
me change my made up mind so he can snuggle up to one of my dancing girls! Put that in your paper! Lookee here what I done found underneath my pillow this mornin'! Oh me! My hair fallin' out! My feet gon' swell up till I look like the abdominal snowman!
Savannah - Calm down boys!
Gumbo - Savannah! Savannah, what you doin' here this hour?
Savannah - Seems a certain royal prince doesn't have a whole lotta stayin' power.
Gumbo - Oh, you done been out on that prince's yacht!
JoJo - So how much he pay ya?
Savannah - Thousand dollars.
Gumbo - Oooh! For one hour's work?
Savannah - Five minutes work!
JoJo - I heard that! If I ever get a chance to be with you it gon' be over in one minute. Never have enough money to afford you, though.
Savannah - When's your birthday, baby?
JoJo - August 19th.
Savannah - I'll keep that date in mind.
Savannah - Alright, I'm outta here. Got a cherry waitin' in the morning – gotta keep my strength up. Oh my! Who are you?
JoJo - New newspaper reporter person.
Savannah - A writer?
Seamus - Yeah... somedays... sort of... no.
Savannah - Having a little trouble getting that first novel between the covers?
Seamus - How'd you know?
Savannah - You've come to the right place, you pretty thing. It's magic here. There are Angels in the Spray, Wizards in the Palm Trees, and Elves in the Sea Shells, and they all look very favorably on struggling young writers.
Gumbo - So you think living where he lived gon' make you write like he wrote?
Seamus - Writers write from their spinal cords, not their brains. It's the electricity that counts. You gotta plug in. You gotta hot wire. You gotta go straight to the source. Ernest Hemingway walked right down this street!
JoJo - Oh hell, man
Gumbo - Oh hell!
Sheriff Cody - You the individual shot his vehicle?
Seamus - Yes sir.
Sheriff Cody - Well, there ain't crime against killin' cars, long as your weapon's registered. And it is – I checked. Let me intro myself. I'm Sheriff Cody Jeremiah Jefferson. I'm a direct descendent of Wyatt Earp and the Lone Ranger. My personal heroes are Ted Nugent, Buddah, and Davy Crockett. I am the last real lawman and the first peace officer of the 21st century. Pleased to meet you, sir. You need a friend? I'm your best friend. I teach Tai Chi every morning at the lagoon. Here's my number – you're invited. I'm a triple Leo, but I'm not attached to authority. I'm a part of the flow that started with the Hammurabi Code, worked it's way on down through the U.S. Constitution, on through me, ends with enlightenment or the electric chair. Your choice. But! If you cross over to the dark side of the force I will become Obi-Wan Kenobi. You do damage first offense you will be invited to join my personal re-centering program. You will be doing pushups! You will be running laps and doing Tai Chi with me in the mornings! You will be drinking raw broccoli juice! Right on, Abednigo?
JoJo - That the drink you drink in hell, mon!
Sheriff Cody - That's first offense! Second time is hard time. You'll be practicing your Mantra in a small dark room provided by the U.S. government. I got a 100% conviction rate. The choice is yours. I gotta run. And remember, this force is on you side! Peace!
Gumbo - You shoulda seen his daddy what was sheriff before him! That man was really strange! Come on, lemme show you that trailer I'm gonna rent you!
Seamus - Hey guys, listen, I don't have much time. I gotta get down to the Dolphin Institute. I've got a story to write.
Gumbo - Here it is. Tennessee Williams his own self done one time lived in this fixed up trailer. I'm told he done some of his best writin' right here! I'll bet it's gonna have the same effect on you!
Seamus - Holy smokes!
Mamie Nakambuli - You've never seen dolphins before?
Seamus - Lady, until today I'd never even seen a palm tree. So when do I get to talk to the head honcho?
Mamie Nakambuli - Dr. Drexell March does not give interviews. I can answer any questions you have about the Dolphin Institute.
Seamus - Lady, I'm here to help! I'm with the press - the first amendment in the flesh. They want to turn this place into a swimming pool with room service. You need me!
Seamus - Do they have teeth?
Mamie Nakambuli - She's just checkin' you out. Just move very slowly.
Seamus - I think she's smilin' at me... I think she likes me.
Mamie Nakambuli - She's talking to you.
Seamus - Oh are they cute!
Mamie Nakambuli - I think she likes you very much!
Seamus - Hey dolphin! Want a biscuit?
(Dolphin gurgles)
Seamus - I think she already ate!
Seamus - Can you believe this? Me, Seamus O'Neill from New Jersey, living on a tropical island!
Gumbo - Just dawning on you, is it?
Seamus - I'm a gear head, man! I spent me whole life eatin' grease. My dad, my grandfather – they worked the assembly lines. My family, the men, chased broads, watched football, and ate nails. I was a scrawny little bookworm. Closet bookworm! In my house, if they caught you reading a cereal box, they'd castrate you! On Saturdays I'd sneak off to the library. My uncles would have lynched me if they ever knew. I'd stay in that library, surrounded by millions of books – Dickens, Twain, Hemingway – and I'd just read. Just get lost. Leave the planet! One night, my old man caught me with a book of Shakespeare, under the covers with a flashlight, hidden inside my Playboy. He cold-cocked me and stole my Playboy, that... .! All my life I've dreamed of running down here to Key West, where all the great artists come!
Gumbo - Well you're here now.
Seamus - I know it. I just can't believe I'm HERE!
Seamus - (in thought) In fact, she was the dancer from the bar. But to my mind, the lining of heaven had ripped open, and an angel fell
out and landed in the laundry next door.
Debate Moderator - Mayor Penbrooke, how would you grade your first term as mayor?
Mayor Penbrooke - C plus. B minus, maybe – we did some things well.
Debate Moderator - Mayor Caldwell?
Chaucey - Well I would give the mayor a big fat F. He has ruined this community. And he thinks unemployment is lower than it's ever been, and the roads are better than they've ever been.
Hector - That's so! You tell 'em, baby! This woman will get my condos built and run that lunatic out of town. That tiger will kick those winos back into the sea. That She-wolf would stuff those dolphins and hang them on the wall!
Chaucey - We will take these islands back from the kooks, the free-loaders. We will work for taxpayer's rights and to hell with animal rights! No animal is worth one job – not a dolphin, not a spotted owl, not a snail darter, not a cockroach, not a red-butt baboon!
I say to hell with the dolphin preserve! This development would bring in one hundred million dollars, and for that I would barbecue Flipper – and eat him!
Hector - This woman could give me sons!
Hector's wife - You have a son!
Hector - No! Are you my wife? Are you a woman? You have no shame. In front of all my friends, I have no son!
Chaucey - Mr Mayor, will you tell us now, yes or no, are you a homosexual?
Mayor Penbrooke - I am a former marine. I was varsity quarterback for Florida State.I can bench-press 350 pounds. And I am a homosexual.Does it matter?
Chaucey - The fact that you're a sexual deviant, the fact that you lead an immoral lifestyle? You bet your life it matters!
(drums, chanting, and Flame screaming)
Gumbo - She dreamin'! You know, it seem to me like every time I feed that gator white chicken meat she dream more. I wonder what a gator find to dream about?
Gumbo - Hey now, hey, hey! You put this back on! What I tell you about that?
Flame - It fell off!
Gumbo - Girl, don't you play the fool with me! You put this back on before I spank your fanny blue an' purple! Lord ha' mercy I spend my life tellin' women to put their clothes ON! Who'd 'a believed sucha thing!
Seamus - Mr. Mayor... your honor , sir... forgive me, I don't mean to come up here and bother you... I just wanted to ask you...
Mayor Penbrooke - Who are you?
Seamus - Name's Seamus, sir. I work for the Meteor.
Mayor Penbrooke - I've never seen you here before.
Seamus - I've never been here before. Good house! I just wanted to ask you a few questions. Why did you choose today to admit your homosexuality?
Mayor Penbrooke - I did not "admit" it. I claimed it with pride.
Seamus - Uhh, just one more question, please...
Mayor Penbrooke - Not now.
Seamus - Do you plan to run counter-attack ads against her?
Mayor Penbrooke - No.
Seamus - Sir. I'm from New Jersey. Take my advice, ya gotta hit her with something. I heard she used to be in a rehab center.
Mayor Penbrooke - No.
Seamus - Pal, ya gotta hit her back with something or you're gonna lose!
Mayor Penbrooke - Well if I behave that way then I've already lost, haven't I? Good day to you, sir.
Hi honey! Chaucey, honey what's wrong? Chaucey, don't! You're doing so good.
Chaucey - What have I done?
It's ok, baby, it's ok, it was just a slip, it wasn't a fall. It's ok. You stopped yourself. It's gonna be alright.
Savannah - Hi.
College boy - Hi!
Savannah - I got a call from your Daddy. He told me to come see you.
College boy - Yes ma'am.
Savannah - Is that alright with you?
College boy - Oh, yes ma'am!
Savannah - You wanna take me down right here in the hallway?
College boy - Oh no, ma'am. Come in.
Savannah - Mmmm, hmm.
College boy - You want something to drink?
Savannah - No, sugar.
College boy - You want something...
Savannah - Sugar! Sit down. Exactly how old are you?
College boy - Eighteen. Today! It's my birthday.
Savannah - Happy birthday! Now sugar, we're gonna do this right, ya hear me?
Savannah - Good boy. Now, you got your protection, or do you need me to give you something?
College boy - No ma'am, I've got mine.
Savannah - Whe-ere is it?
College boy - I've got it on already.
Savannah - Sugar, when did you put this on?
College boy - At lunch.
Savannah - Good boy. Today, you're gonna learn everything you're ever gonna need to know about women. I'm gonna teach you. And when you walk outta here tonight you're gonna have a Ph.D. in me. And your stock is gonna soar. And your self-confidence is gonna go through the roof. You hear what I'm telling you?
College boy - Yes ma'am, I do
Savannah - Mmmm And for the rest of your natural life, women are gonna follow you around like kittens after a bowl of cream. You know why? Because you are gonna have my stamp on you. Now, close your eyes.
Chaucey - Hi, my name is Chaucy, and I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for a year nine months, but this morning I had a big day in front of the tv cameras. Crowds. Everybody loved me. I was such a good girl. So I ran home and put a stop to that. So, I'm back here again, and it's just one day at a time.
Hector - Get out. It's papa. It's papa! Forgive me. Forgive papa!
Mayor Penbrooke - This island is covered with condominiums.And what we learn time and time again is that progress isn't always progress. And development could develop into some real trouble.
Debate Moderator - And now, representing Atlantice Dolphin research, Miss Mamie Nakambuli.
Hector - You're going to lose this town five hundred jobs!
Chaucey - Because of fish.
Mamie Nakambuli - They're not fish
Chaucey - They're fish.
(crowd chanting) Dolphins aren't fish! Dolphins aren't fish!
Mamie Nakambuli - Dolphins may be much mure intelligent than human beings. They have much bigger brains than we do.
(crowd chanting) Dolphins have bigger brains that we do! Dolphins have bigger brains that we do!
Seamus - Obviously!
Chaucey - Now do you think Japan, Inc would halt progress for a couple of fish?
Mamie Nakambuli - People believe me! I have seen miracles here! These dolphins hold keys, answers. We live in turmoil and war, they live in bliss.They can teach us and heal us. If you put an autistic child with a dolphin, the dolphin can reach and communicate with a child.
Hector - That is a lie! You are a fraud! A sham! A faith healer! She should be thrown out of this country!
Savannah - Hello?
Sarah - Come on in. It's ok. Thank you for coming. My name is Sarah. Please don't feel uncomfortable – I promise you I'm nervous enough for both of us. Eight years ago, I had a car wreck. Tonight is my tenth year wedding anniversary, and I need a little help.
Sarah, honey, what are you doing?
Sarah - Tonight, my body is coming back to life for you. Do you remember when we could feel each other? Do you remember the touch of my hand on your cheek? It's alright, sweetheart! It's me! Remember me touching you. Feel me. Tonight it will be like it was on our wedding night. I love you, sweetheart!
Conjure woman - Whatchoo want? Why you back again.
JoJo - You still owe me one spell.
Conjure woman - I already done sold you a charm, for that bartender.
JoJo - Well your charm didn't work. Him feet just swoll up
Conjure woman - Whatchoo want now?
JoJo - Little red head girl... she workin' at the bar.
Hector - I don't care.I'll pay for it! We'll be there in twenty minutes!
Gumbo - Look at them girls! They never dance that way before! What is going on here! Some strange kinda thing! This is spooky!
JoJo - You crazy old woman!
Conjure woman - Hush down!
JoJo - What you mean hush? You supposed to make the redhead girl want JoJo, right? Instead you got she dancin' 'round like a tornado, and you got every woman on this island goin' crazy!
Conjure woman - Can't be helped.
JoJo - Woman you got to improve your aim! One girl, right? One girl only!
Conjure woman - This is not an exact science!
Cole - Whatchoo doin' here?
Seamus - Finished my story.
Cole - Put it in my hand. Hahahahaha! Read it to me, CoCo. Let me drink this boy's blood, see do I taste any talent in it.
CoCo - We speak not of truth, but of the beauty of political death at the end of the world.
(dolphins speaking and chattering)
Mamie Nakambuli - Don't be afraid. You couldn't be any safer.
(dolphins chattering, Hector's son laughing)
CoCo - ... and God help us, the living and the dead.
Cole - Hahahahaha! Yes sir, I was wrong about you news hound! Say how I ain't hardly never wrong Coconuts.
CoCo - No sir!
Cole - But I was sure enough wrong about you.You ain't got no talent at all!Not a drop! Here's a news flash, news hound. Ya suck eggs! Gimme that thing, Coconuts. You take this crap and get outta my office.
Seamus - Does this mean I'm fired?
Cole - Hell yes, you're fired!
Seamus - Give me another chance!
Cole - Not in this life.
Seamus - Please!
Cole - Go.
Seamus - Go? Go where? Next stop is Cuba, and my car won't make the swim. I tried.
Cole - Not my problem.
Seamus - Pal. Pal, you gotta understand things. I was a dead man. I was dead. But this, this island, all these wackos, all this electricity, it brought me back to life. Boom! Like, like Frankenstein when they shot him full o' juice! I'm alive. I'm alive! Pal, for the first time in my life, I am really writing. Don't pull the plug on me. Don't kill me again!
Cole - Don't beg, boy. It makes my skin crawl! Coconut, is he cryin'?
CoCo - Mmm, nope, not yet.
Cole - Then get out of here before you start!
Seamus - Wait a minute, wait a minute, just...
Cole - I said "Get!"
Seamus - Please!
Cole - Go.
Cole - Little Irish boy got more talent in his pinky finger than all us put together. God help him! Heheh! We'll let him burn a little. Ha!
(Seamus in thought)If I was Ernest Hemingway I'd go back and blow the guy's head off. If I was Tennessee Williams I'd go crazy and wind up in a nut house. But me, I just haven't found my own style yet.I'll have to stay here for a while and work on it.
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